Monday, February 2, 2009
My Life Reflections
| It is bizarre how life sometimes hits you upside the head and makes you learn things about yourself. In my own personal struggles dealing with social relationships, with family and work, I have constantly been critical of myself for years. I always felt like there had to be an explanation for how I felt about events in my life, and why I felt guilty about them. For reasons unknown to me at the time, I felt like I was not sensitive enough to others' needs, or too selfish, or just not right in the head. Being in a leadership position at Texas Tech, I would second guess myself and wonder if I was not understanding enough when dealing w/ employees who were insubordinate or had behavioral problems. I began reading books about other leaders that I admired, such as Nelson Mandela, Colin Powell, Theodore Roosevelt, and so forth. While their stories were inspiring in that they showed it is okay to fail as long as we pick ourselves back up; they really did not give me anything to address my own self-doubt. So, I took a different approach. I began reading books on Assertive Therapeutic Psychology. What I found was amazing and eye-opening; and has transformed the way I look at my life. I always felt somewhat responsible for what my siblings endured from my mother's pschological rages while we were growing up. I felt as though I should have stepped in, as the older brother, and protected them by taking the punishments myself. Whenever I would assert my feelings about some of the things my mother did; I was told that it was wrong. She was my mother. Besides, my mother and father were active in church; and to assert my feelings, especially to other family or people at church, would scar their reputations. So, I began to associate assertiveness w/ guilt. This negative association had dire consequences for how I dealt with others in social settings for the rest of my life. By associating assertiveness in this way, I felt guilty if I made any attempts to stand up for myself in any way. Somehow, I felt responsible for others' behavior if they did not like the idea of me expressing myself in a way that might be contrary to their positions-even if that meant that I had to relinquish and/or sacrifice my own principles or convictions. This only allowed myself to be manipulated by others constantly; and because I still have a genuine interest in helping people, it made me susceptible to being taken advantage of. In realizing this, I have re-evaluated significant events in my life over the years-some postively, some negatively. For example, in 1995 I had an opportunity to get away from "Mom's apron strings" and pursue life on my own by going to college in Mississippi. Although it was inspired by a girlfriend I had at the time, there was a sense of purpose that I had never had in my life before because noone had ever really pushed me to reach my potential. Unfortunately, when this girlfriend went on to Mississippi ahead of me, suddenly all I was left with was the same unsupportive people that had reinforced my negative assertion complex to begin with. Without enough self-confidence to overcome it, I backed out. The rest is history. In 1996, a high school buddy and I had a grand idea to join the United States Coast Guard. We were dead set on it; and felt like nothing could change our minds. Then, my buddy's father, who was an Air Force veteran, managed to talk him into going all-out and joining the Navy. Well, that wasn't the deal we had agreed to do. So, I backed out again. The more assertive, and mature, approach would have been to say "the heck with him" and joined the Coast Guard anyways. To this day, I regret not joining. However, due to my recent epiphany about my own self-evaluation, I realize that I lacked the psychological assertiveness to even be assertive with myself. I have been fortunate, though. I did end up marrying someone who was assertive, and at the same time loved me enough to care about my best interest over her own, until I could develop mentally. God knows what life I might have if not for April. With my overwhelming guilt about asserting myself, there is no telling what kind of life I could have been manipulated into. While I have certainly lost opportunities in the past due to this unfortunate mindset; I am certainly more prepared for the future than ever before. I now realize that I have the right to be responsible for my own behavior, thoughts, and actions, and not anyone else's. Asserting one's self is not wrong or right; because the only person that can judge us is ourselves and our Creator. I do not have to justify my behavior to anyone; and I have the right to make my own mistakes and be responsible for them. I want to reassure people that I do not blame anyone but myself for this "developmental delay" that I have to live with. While the effects of my upbringing did have a profound effect on it, in the end I can only blame myself. Many people I have met over the years have tried to build up my confidence, and tell me that there is nothing wrong with standing up for what you believe in. For some, I just was not mentally ready to comprehend it; and others, I was just too stubborn to listen. Now, I have lived 34 years this way. I will not lie and say that I am not frustrated by the fact that so many years have gone by with me living with this unrealistic mental state. However, I must accept it and move on. With renewed purpose, and the feeling of a huge burden of guilt lifted from my shoulders, I am looking forward to the future vigorously. My leadership role with my job will be taken on with a new sense of confidence that I have never felt before. Who knows where this will lead? The moral to this, in my opinion, is that we can always improve ourselves. No matter what we learn in education, in life, in experiences, there is always room for self-improvement. I see it like watching a baby as he first learns to walk. For those first steps, they stumble and fall; but they keep picking themselves back up. Focusing on the parent calling to them on the other side of the room, they do not realize that with each step their legs grow stronger, and they continue to develop. We can see this as God calling to us across the expanse of time. While we are focused on the love and security of His arms calling to us; we do not realize that with each step along our spiritual journey, we continue to mature and develop strength and resolve. Yes we will stumble, and yes we will sometimes fall; but if we keep our eyes on Jesus, we will one day reach the potential perfection for which we were created to be. My only hope is that each of us know that, in order to succeed in life, we must sometimes fail. We must endure hardship to strengthen us that we may be able to handle the consequences of success-physically, mentally, and spiritually. For those of you who took the time to read this, I hope that it makes some type of impression-whether small or great. It is my story. It is how I am to be who I am today. May you be a blessing to others. The MF |
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